Washing the Car

So, the thing is... sometimes the journey is really an end in itself.

I learned the biggest lesson this past weekend.

It was Thanksgiving weekend and we went to visit my parents. The trip there took double its normal time --not only because we had to stop a few times but also because there are just a lot more people on the road this particular holiday season. I think some people who wouldn't ordinarily have traveled just felt the need to see their families. And then some people were afraid to fly, given the events of September 11. At one point, a pick-up truck passed us and on the back of it was a small American flag sticker and the words “Let's Roll” in quotation marks under it. It was a big reminder that this is no ordinary holiday season. And that we can't allow ourselves to forget why.

So, I think I was particularly open to the lessons coming my way. There were several of them (never share a room with Sleepless Jane, always come home a day early, make sure the dog is within reach in the car just in case she starts licking the baby's head), but the really big lesson I learned happened after we were already home. Sunday was just a spectacular day in Austin. As my mom says, it was a “Native-American summer day.” The sky was as blue as Smiley Jane’s eyes and it was about 75 degrees. My three-year-old, Ana, and I decided to wash the car.

I usually drive my car through a car wash after I get gas since it's an SUV and a big job to wash, but every once in a while, I like to wash it myself. I think I like it for the same reasons I like to mow the lawn --it's nice to see a before and after visual in such a dramatic way. And at some point, you know, you're just DONE. I used to be quite the Car Washing Expert, before I had children and learned to drive knee-deep in graham crackers and Cheerios and some unidentifiable, but very sticky, brown substance. Anyway, I have all kinds of great car washing gadgets and specialized potions for cleaning things like chrome and rubber. Ana really liked the tire scrubbing brush and the fleece mitt.

This was Ana's first time washing the car with me and she was so curious and so excited about every single thing we did that it took us about four hours to finish. At first, I found myself getting a little impatient with her, viewing her constant questions and pleas of "Can I do that?" as an impediment to my end goal. Until I had this epiphany. I swear washing the car changed me as a parent forever, for good (I think).

See, my whole life I have undertaken tasks with the finish line in mind and the shortest distance to that point mapped out. I maintain an extensive to-do list and I have always gotten a lot of satisfaction from crossing things OFF of it. I do things as efficiently as I know how in order to maximize my productivity. It's a holdover from my pantyhose days, and it's also a way in which I let my husband know how hard I'm working. (Just in case he thinks I'm sitting home watching soap operas and eating bon-bons. As if!)

So, the thing is... I think this whole result-oriented approach is in opposition of really good parenting. Once you involve small children, you might as well throw the idea of efficiency out the window. But you know what? Ana had no idea that the aim of this effort was a clean CAR -- she was mainly excited about doing something new and about spending time with ME! There was such beauty in the way she participated in that most mundane chore of washing the car. There's just so much joy in the way she experiences the world. It's a joy I seem to have lost in my never-ending quest for closure and production.

As soon as I realized that I had been presented with one of those golden moments in my child's life --a real memory in the making, -- I took a deep breath and started to relax. I even said to myself, “This is so wonderful, I don’t really care of we never finish.” And get this, I MEANT it! Watching Ana work the hose, watching her mimic my actions by dipping that fleece mitt (how cool is THAT thing?) into the bucket of warm sudsy water, watching her make soapy handprints on the already clean car, I got to recapture something rare. I felt the satisfaction Ana felt in learning something completely new, that sense of wonder involved in really immersing herself in a new experience and trying to take it all in. It was as if I was washing the car for the first time myself. And of course, I also felt so unbelievably blessed that this funny little roommate is so interested and lively and genuine in her reactions. Just spending some time really listening to her was beyond price. The resulting clean car was incidental --but the process of washing it was a true gift.

It stuck with me all day, long after the car was finished and the tools and hose put away, after dinner and stories and baths and right up until I checked on her before I went to bed. I just stood there and watched her sleeping for a while and was thankful that my children continue to teach me how best to parent them --when I remember to listen. They humble me, they really do.

Since Sunday, I have been something of a changed mom. Because I am less focused on the end result and more focused on the process at hand, I have taken the stress factor of our lives down about six notches. Cooking dinner has become less of a stressed, must-get-everyone-fed-by-a-certain-time race and more of a chance to interact with my children by involving them in the process. Routine chores like folding laundry have become teaching opportunities. Even little Jane loves to feel the warm clothes from the dryer. She's just the right height to pull out a big pile and then lay down on them, chortling madly. And because I am less stressed about completing the task at hand, I can give her the freedom to do just that. It doesn't cost me anything but a little time but what it gives to us all is invaluable. They learn about the world around them and I get to appreciate how miraculous and unique and wonderful they are. AND I get to rediscover what a really awesome world this is.

Granted, there are some instances when the end result must happen in a timely fashion because there are deadlines to be met. I mean, on school days we leave our house by 8:10 AM so I can't dawdle along, indulging in the joys of getting everyone fed and dressed and in the car. But for the most part, I think we're all a lot less tense because I'm not pushing us to completion and then on to the next thing. I am trying to focus on the process as being the POINT. And I find that I can apply this lesson to so many aspects of my life --religion, volunteerism, even the dreaded tasks of bill paying and holiday shopping.

Sometimes I feel so behind the curve on this motherhood thing --like I learn everything the hard way. Maybe other mothers just know this instinctively. I bet they have really clean cars.

Sometimes the journey is the point. Even if you never leave the driveway.

To subscribe or unsubscribe to this free e-mail newsletter, send e-mail to barb@sothethingis.com. (Your address will not be used for any other purpose.) If you would like to forward this column on, please do so in its entirety. Feedback welcome. Back issues can be found at http://www.sothethingis.com

Barbara Cooper is the mother of Ana (3) and Jane (13 months). She lives in Austin, Texas where the Indian Summer ended abruptly yesterday, leaving some very dirty cars behind.