Resolutions

So, the thing is... I believe in New Year’s resolutions.

I always say that the capacity for guilt in motherhood is endless. There are so many times when I feel guilty no matter what I do. But you know, lately, I have been adding a little coda. While the capacity for guilt in motherhood is STILL endless, so is the capacity for RENEWAL. Each day when I get up (okay, maybe after I have some coffee), I am grateful for another chance to improve as a mom, a chance to leave behind the mistakes I made yesterday. Maybe motherhood makes us believe that improvement IS possible --just look at our kids! Otherwise, I guess, we might never get out of bed.

So, I believe in occasions that formalize optimism. Given the hard lessons of 2001, I want to take advantage of opportunities to expect more from myself, and those around me. It's strange: I feel this sort of patriotic duty to stop accepting mediocrity and complacency as a way of life when I know the people in this country (count me in that group) are capable of so much more. But I digress. (Note to self: do less of this next year.)

I like to make resolutions on dates I can remember. I once gave up meat for Lent and kept THAT resolution for almost ten years. I'm not even Catholic! I began this column because of a New Year's Resolution, and it's been one of the most positive happenings of my life --a true success on the resolution front. Every year since I was about fourteen, I've resolved to learn how to play the guitar. I still believe that THIS will be the year I actually do it.

I haven't always enjoyed making New Year's resolutions. For a while, when I was Cynical Young Woman, I would make resolutions that I knew I could keep effortlessly. For example, I once vowed not to keep a herd of bison in my backyard. I vowed to cut back on my bungee jumping and to only perform open-heart surgery in a real emergency. Then I went through a phase (after I graduated to Bitter and Angry Young Woman) when I vowed to stop looking for Justice in this world, to stop expecting common decency. (Bad year, that.)

I make a bunch of resolutions, too, because guess what? There's no official limit to how many you can make, as long as you can keep track of them. I hate it when I get to December 31st and realize that I completely forgot about my resolution to completely reorganize my filing system. That's when it comes in handy to keep a written list. You can read it at the beginning of December and then try to accomplish everything in the midst of the general holiday chaos until you're so frazzled that your only resolution for the NEXT year is to get more sleep. (Not a bad resolution, actually.)

I saw a motivational tape one time where the speaker divided the areas of life into seven different categories: spiritual, physical, mental, relationship, career, financial, and social. I don't always make resolutions in every single category but it does provide a nice framework for thinking about what areas of my life need more attention.

So, here goes:

Spiritual: This year, I am really going to make a big effort to find a church home. I confess to being disillusioned with organized religion but I think it's time to accept that there is good and bad in everything and one bad experience doesn't mean all churches are the same. But there is the whole daunting task of getting everyone ready and out of the door in time for services --I usually can only get Ana to school on time if I forego a shower myself, and that's probably not the best way to arrive at church where I'm going to be sitting amongst other people.

The thing is, almost all of the research I have seen on raising healthy children says that a connection with an extended church family, including religious instruction and youth activities, is a very important piece in circumventing many of the pitfalls of teenage angst. I want that for my kids. Plus, I watch my friend Linda and see how much of her social life and feelings of connectedness come from her affiliation with her church and frankly, I want that for MYSELF. (I also resolve to not berate my husband when he refuses to get out of bed on Sunday mornings and come with me. But maybe I should save this resolution for the “relationship” category.)

Physical: This is one area in which I feel I made some really good progress in 2001. It's amazing what happens when you eat the way you want your CHILDREN to eat --uh, now there's an idea. What I really wanted was to just feel strong and healthy and fit, and I feel that way, mostly. I think I am finally beginning to cut myself some slack in this regard --it is becoming less important to me how I LOOK and more important how I FEEL and, of course, whether or not I have the endurance to play thirty-one games of hide and seek in a row.

This year, I resolve to continue to model a healthy lifestyle for my kids. I plan on continuing our emphasis on fresh and organically grown foods and to continue to exercise routinely. In addition, I am really going to try to take better CARE of myself. You know that bottle of calcium tablets that's been sitting on my shelf for six months now? I'm going to actually TAKE THEM. Every day. I'm going to put giving myself a breast self-exam on my calendar and I'm going to do it. I resolve not to skip meals because I can't fit them into my schedule. Ditto with going to the bathroom. I resolve to schedule my doctor appointments for regular exams and then to actually keep them. I will go to the dentist for routine cleanings, and not just when something bad has happened. Last year I got my hair cut exactly three times, if you count the rather unfortunate experiment when I decided to cut bangs myself. This year, I plan to invest a bit more in my general upkeep.

Mental: I resolve to stop blaming sleep-deprivation for every mental lapse and to start doing... something to shore up my diminishing mental faculties. (Now if I could only remember what to do...)

I resolve to read some non-fiction books this year and to talk to people over three feet tall at least once a week, about something other than parenting or price checks.

HOWEVER, for my own mental health, I resolve NOT to over-research and over-analyze every single parenting decision I make until I am a crazy woman. I know I have some areas that will require research (how to deal with Jane's emerging food allergies, for example) but I want to stop obsessing over normal childhood behavior (or lapses thereof.) Maybe this year would also be a good year to start forgiving myself for my OWN parental lapses, since I would never intentionally hurt my children in any way. And, as long as I'm reaching for the stars here, maybe it's time to forgive myself for behavioral lapses *I* exhibited as a child, for which I still feel guilty/dumb/embarrassed. (Note to self: figure out how to do this.)

Marriage: I resolve to flirt outrageously with my husband.

I will try to have showered by the time he gets home at night. After all, it shouldn't be such a rare occurrence that Ana asks me "Are you going to the doctor, Mommy?" when I manage to get a shower in before she goes to bed at night.

I resolve to NOT greet my husband at the door with a litany of woes from my day. In fact, I am going to try to stop complaining so much about having to do so many mundane household tasks. It doesn't do anyone any good and it injects all this needless negativity into our conversations. I think by now my spouse understands that I am not defined by the amount of laundry I do. There are parts to ANY job that are less than fun. I used to hate to FILE, too, and I had to do THAT wearing pantyhose!

Career: I resolve to stop referring to myself as “JUST a mom.” Being a mom is a valid career and I am learning that not everyone can do what I do, at least not without stronger medication.

Financial: I resolve to stop buying the kids anything they want throughout the year. I know this sends the wrong message to them and it leads to an enormous panic on my part during actual gift-giving occasions. So far, their wants have been really modest but I can picture where we're headed. I need to research how to go about giving my kids a good sense of the value of money --how to introduce allowances and when to start having them use their own money for things they want. Oh, wait, that would violate the no research rule. Great, now I've broken a resolution before I've even started it. OH, I know! I'll do all the research right now, in the four hours until the end of the year. Right.

SOCIAL: I resolve to have some kind of social life, without children if possible.

I resolve to make regular play dates for myself with my friends and then to keep them unless my kids are contagious and the sitter refuses to come.

I resolve to have an unexpressed opinion. Really. At least one.

But most of all, and in the category of LIFE RESOLUTIONS, I want to build upon the big lessons I learned in 2001 from my kids:

·Serenity is a very attractive quality and one which everyone wants themselves. Ditto silliness.

·A slower pace benefits everyone, even though it seems counter-intuitive.

·My attitude is reflected back to me by my children, and by the other people around me.

·Every day I get to spend with my kids is a gift, even the ones when I wish I was somewhere else entirely.

·Whether times are hard or easy, the only thing that really matters is our connectedness with people and the world around us. And how many times you say "yes" when someone asks you to read to her.

·My children have so much to teach me if I can only stop to listen and really hear them.

·When buildings fall and evil is impossible to explain, our children are the way of hope and the reason we continue to believe in renewal every single day, January 1 or December 31.

Happy New Year, my friends. Tune those guitars --everything is possible this year.

To subscribe or unsubscribe to this free e-mail newsletter, send e-mail to barb@sothethingis.com. (Your address will not be used for any other purpose.) If you would like to forward this column on, please do so in its entirety. Feedback welcome. Back issues can be found at http://www.sothethingis.com

Barbara Cooper is the mother of Ana (3.75) and Jane (14 months). She lives in Austin, Texas and she resolves not to cut her own hair in 2002.