Dinner at the Coopers

So, the thing is... it is dinnertime at the Cooper residence.

Ana, Jane, dinner is ready!

Ana? Jane? Now, please. Now! Because you were both crying and lying in the middle of the kitchen floor and I assumed that meant you were hungry!

Ana, there's a steamed artichoke for you but Jane is very interested in it. Maybe you could show her how to eat it... Thank you. I was hoping you could show her BEFORE it fell on the floor but really, I appreciate the effort. You are a terrific big sister. Jane is lucky to have you. Yes, but let me rinse it off. Okay. OKAY, just ...blow on it.

No, Smiley, that's the wrong end. Here, put the OTHER end of it in your mouth. Grr... Grrr... mad dog! Mad Dog! Good job! Surely I have the only two toddlers who like steamed artichokes? No, I know you're not really a toddler, Ana. You're a big girl. I'm sorry I made a generalization. A generalization is when Mommy runs out of specific nouns --- SIT ON YOUR BOTTOM. Jane, sit on your bottom! What you are doing is DANGEROUS! Jane Elizabeth, I will put you in the high chair if you cannot sit on your bottom. Remember what happened to Fireman Tom. Ana, tell Jane what happened to Fireman Tom.

That's right, he fell right over and cracked his head open on a radiator and had to be rushed to the hospital for stitches. Ana, you've had stitches. It's not fun, is it? Well, no, I wasn't alive yet but I know it happened because my mommy told me. Right, she's not my mommy. She's your Mutti. Well, anyway, Mutti wouldn't make up a story like that. And it wasn't the last time Fireman Tom cracked his head open...

Chili baked potatoes, corn on the cob and brisket. Brisket is like steak. You'll love it. Well, we don't HAVE anything else. This is dinner and I'm not cooking anything else. Here, would you like a piece of bell pepper? Jane, I can't pick you up right now, sweetie, I need both hands. Oh, okay, okay. Right, I'll put you back down.

Well, wait just a moment. Wait a minute!! I would be glad to warm up your corn but I need to answer the phone. EAT SOMETHING ELSE. It doesn't have to be this hard.

Hello? Oh, hello Dr. Sanders! Thank you so much for calling me back. I was really calling just to see if Jane's blood work had indicated any further disorder beyond the dairy allergy. DID YOU JUST HIT HER?? Ana Katherine Cooper! I am shocked. We do NOT hit! Excuse me, Dr. Sanders... exactly-- never a dull moment! So, was there any indication of a secondary gluten allergy? Wow, that's a relief. Good. Yes. Yes. I see. Well, that really is good news. NOT IN YOUR EYES, JANE! Oh, I'm sorry, sweetie, I thought that was the permanent marker. I'm sorry I yelled. I'm sorry. Yes, come here, little pumpkin, I'll hold you. Thank you so much for returning my call, Dr. Sanders. Right. Good-bye.

Here's your corn, Ana. In the future, when I am on the phone, if I see you bonking Jane on the head, you can rest assured that you will spend a VERY long time upstairs in your room alone. Do you understand me? I don't care. She's a baby and she depends on you to be gentle to her. She loves you so much. I KNOW she stood on your pink blanket but I really don't think she did it on purpose. Well, I disagree. Now. We can all eat a nice dinner or you can have a time out.

Oh. Oh, Honey. Oh, Ana. Why didn't you TELL me you wanted to change places at the table? I could have carried your food for you and then you wouldn't have dropped the whole thing on the floor. Don't cry, sweetheart, accidents happen. WAIT! Wait, Jane, don't step in it. Yes, of course you may have another helping, Ana, I was just trying to clean up the mess BEFORE Jane walked through it. No. No. It's okay. That's why we have a dog. At least, I can't think of any other reason...

Yes, I think I hear the ice cream truck, too. No. No, we can't. No! Because we're eating dinner! Yes, Jane, you can sit in my chair. I'll just slide over one. Because you've had enough sweets today. You had two pieces of chocolate already, and you didn't eat much in the way of good vitamin food today. Think of yourself like a car --you need good fuel so you can do all that racing around. COME BACK HERE! YOU HAVE NOT BEEN EXCUSED! Oh, okay, go potty and THEN come back. WHAT, Jane?? What IS it?? Yes, you may have this chair. SIT ON YOUR BOTTOM!

I am pouring myself a glass of wine. Because I want one, because I've earned one, because I can always go to rehab when you're in school. No, Mommy was making a very silly joke. What are YOU doing? Ana, I do not want to see the food that is in your mouth. Because it's rude. You are being rude. I know. I KNOW you have good manners. But showing me your already-chewed food is not polite. Please show me my Polite Girl.

No, Jane, you had couscous at 9:00 this morning, at 12:30 for lunch --I think we should have one meal today without "coo-coo." Because Daddy says the garlic is making you a little smelly. Oh. Well, THAT'S not garlic, is it? Ana, I need to change Jane's diaper, please sit nicely here until I return. JANE. Jane, sweetie, we are coming right back. I promise. Ana, food needs to stay on your PLATE. I know, I know, the corn rolls around. Very cool. But rather than get butter all over the table, please just roll it around on your plate.

Holy COW! Jane, you can't fly. Trust me. And we are going to change that diaper so you better just make up your mind about that, Missy. Oh. Oh Jane. Jane, please, PLEASE! Stop kicking me. And definitely stop laughing about it. Okay. Okay, you are free to continue on your reign of terror --but you would be more efficient if those snaps were snapped. Yes, let's heat up the coo-coo. At least with all that garlic, maybe you can avoid a cold. Or fleas.

Yes, Ana, you may be excused. I know. I know I said you had to take at least one bite of potato. But you know what, Ana? You are a big girl. If you want to put nothing but Cheerios and artichokes and chocolate in your body, then so be it. Fine. I just work here. I refuse to be some Food Pusher just because you ate exactly six green beans and four potato chips last week... But you know that potato has the chili that you MADE on it, right? It's delicious. Well, thank you. Thank you for trying it. Your daddy will be so proud.

No, no, I'm not crying. I'm sniffling from the garlic in Jane's couscous. It's just been a very long day... well. Well, thank you. That's very sweet. I love you, too, little buddy.

No. No, you may not have a Girl Scout Cookie. Because. Because I said so. BECAUSE!

I'm saving them.

Oh. Oh! Daddy's home! (Oh, thank you, Lord.) Daddy's home! Hi, Dad! How was your day? Good. Good.

Oh, gosh, I don't know. Want some couscous?

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Barbara Cooper is the mother of Ana (4) and Jane (19 months). She lives in Austin, Texas and she has an unopened box of Thin Mints sitting right in front of her... heh, heh.