Christmas Present

So, the thing is… I gave myself a really big present.

I know, I know –didn’t I just max out on STUFF during the holidays? And then didn’t we all acquire a lot MORE stuff during the most material of all competitive events, the AFTER holiday sales?

Well, but see, this present can’t be bought at Foleys.

This present isn’t for sale.

You know how it’s the end of the year? Well, I had high expectations for 2004—it has my two most favorite numbers in it and it’s very symmetrical and 2003 wasn’t exactly a picnic and so I thought 2004 would be a big improvement. The last year of my thirties –I had a lot to do. You know, like all that stuff I said I’d do before I turned forty.

Well, it didn’t happen. The year was pretty bad in general, actually. Not only did I not achieve any of those things I wanted to achieve but I had a hard time achieving ANYTHING. I sent only eight columns this entire year (counting this one) and when you consider how much enjoyment I get from that, you can understand why things that were less enjoyable suffered even more. Things like exercise and eating right and pleasure in my day-today life.

But I am such a sucker for a nice new clean page. And the New Year represents that for me every year. It’s a time to take stock and a time to give myself a little report card on my journey through life. A time for course correction and for new courses altogether. I love it and I’m very excited about 2005.

For 2004, my New Year’s resolution was to slow down and to give in to my kinder impulses in order to really connect with people. In a lot of ways, I DID do better at that this year. It’s taken me until now to learn how to be a good friend, I think, or at least to recognize that I am a good one, even when I’m not going completely overboard. And gosh, it seems like this has been a year in which I’ve needed my friends so much and I’ve needed them close and in person, for comfort and warmth and for grounding.

I was complaining about the year and how hard it was and how tired and unmotivated I feel right now to my friend Tiffany, who is also a writer, and she sent me a note about a new life she’s giving herself this year. She described what it was going to be like –the ways in which she will celebrate her own life by allowing her body to grow fit and strong, by rediscovering her motivation and confidence at work, how she will give herself the present of a tidy kitchen and clean clothes, how she would make time, real time, for her daughter every single day, no matter how busy she is. She wrote a wonderful description and then at the end of her note, she said, “Now, I know that these sound a lot more like New Year’s resolutions than they do a Christmas gift, but that's not how I'm looking at it, because New Year’s resolutions always seem to be hard things that we promise to do to try to improve ourselves...these things are going to make my life EASIER. They're not unpleasant things that I'm going to try to make myself do, but real gifts to myself, little shiny-wrapped notes saying, 'Go ahead, do what YOU want to do,' and 'It's perfectly okay to be the best that you can be.'"

Wow.

That’s a really big gift!!

So, of course, I was captivated and energized by this whole idea. I started thinking about what my life will look like if I gave it to myself, gift wrapped in my own desires. This is what I’m giving myself: a really big gift of living my life the way I WANT to live it, not because of social or familial obligations but because these are things I want.

Ahem.

I am going to write every single day, even if it's only for fifteen minutes. And not e-mail, I mean writing something that I love or that will make some money. I am going to send out one query or proposal every week. I am going to learn to type. I’m going to send a minimum of 20 columns in 2005.

I am going to develop my exercise routine and diet to the point where I feel strong and healthy and sexy. I am going to drink more water and take my vitamins.

I am going to tell myself every single day that I am a good wife, a good writer and a great mother and friend. I am not going to let myself talk to myself the way I've been talking to myself for 40 years --I wouldn't let anyone else talk that way to one of my friends. And I'm going to quit apologizing for being quirky and spastic and goofy and shy and all the things that make me who I am. I’m really okay as I am.

I am going to have regular dates with my children, either one-on-one or all together, where we do things that have nothing to do with discipline or maintenance --fun things like the museums and parks and theatrical shows. I'm going to do even more projects with them and to really listen to them when they tell me things that are important to them. I'm going to try to make “yes” the default answer instead of immediately saying “no” and then realizing I could have said “yes.”

I'm going to quit sighing over the loss of my maid (who last came two and a half years ago) and suck it up. It's part of my job. And I'm going to remind myself that I reap the greatest rewards of anyone when my house is clean and organized because I get really grouchy in chaos.

I'm going to buy myself some new clothes that I feel great in and that are comfortable enough to get on the floor with the kids but don't look like workout clothes or clothes that I've been painting in. I'm going to buy some new lingerie so I have a little glint in my eye. I am not going to wait until I am the "perfect" size to buy either of these things. I am going to go through my closet and get rid of everything that doesn't fit and doesn't make me happy.

I'm going to set aside five minutes every day to count my blessings.

I am not going to volunteer when I don't want to.

I'm going to meet a friend once a week to walk or for coffee.

So, I gave myself this present and then I gave myself the freedom to start doing those things right now instead of waiting for some magic date. And I’m so psyched about it! Today I got on the treadmill and ran for half an hour and it felt so good that I actually (okay, so this is a bit embarrassing and it wasn’t very dignified in practice either) gave myself a little hug! A thank you hug.

I swear this whole idea has changed my perspective about things I used to view as chores. Now they're little bon-bons I'm giving myself.

I was just dying to tell you all about this because I thought that even though it’s after Christmas and Hanukah and Kwanza, you might want to give yourself a nice present, too. Maybe you could think of this as a post holiday sale item!

Happy New Year. It’s going to be GREAT.

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Barbara Cooper is the mother of Ana (6.75) and Jane (4). She lives in Austin, Texas and she’s not giving herself any OTHER type of bon-bons.

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