Secret Newsletter

So, the thing is I feel like maybe I’m missing something.

Twenty years ago (gasp), I took my test to become a licensed driver in the state of Texas and I passed by one point. ONE point. I was pretty nervous (I'm not that strong on Left and Right so I actually WROTE it on the back of my hands.) and relieved to have passed but a little taken aback at not having scored higher. I hadn't actually HIT anything with the officer in the car so I asked the officer in what way(s) was I deficient.

“Well,” he said uncomfortably. “You did fine parallel parking but you forgot to signal. That cost you. And then there was the whole two-second rule thing.”

“What two-second rule thing?”

“You know, where you're supposed to count ‘one-one-thousand, two-one-thousand’ after the car ahead of you takes off from a red light or a stop. That keeps you from rear ending that car if it should stop suddenly.”

Well, I had never even HEARD of the two-second rule. See, I was ABSENT that day. So I missed out on learning something that every other driver's education student learned and could use in his/her driving test. And it cost me.

Well, for years now, I've had this theory that I was also absent on the day I was supposed to sign up for the secret newsletter that all mothers get. You know the one. The one that explains how to give a toddler medication without looking like you're on the WWF special. The one that tells the secret to tying bows so that both “ears” point up and out. The one that explains how the school system works and when I'm supposed to sign up my kids for what. How to deal with junk mail so it doesn't take over my counters and my life. The one that explains how craft stores are organized. The one that keeps all women abreast of trends in popular culture as they relate to our children. (I mean, the Teletubbies give me the creeps. Maybe if I had gotten the newsletter, I would understand the appeal better.)

I met a friend for coffee recently and we were talking about this. (I was somewhat relieved to find out that she'd missed the sign-up, too.) She said she wished someone had told her how to clean those sippy-cups properly (hint: you have to take them apart) and that she had been told, even once, that it was okay to take a shower once you have children, even without having a babysitter on hand. (Just in case you missed that edition of the Newsletter, here's the deal: you lay the baby on the bathmat and you get in the shower. The worst thing that happens is that the baby gets a little wet when you are opening the shower curtain to obsessively peek at him. Or maybe he cries a little and you have to get out of the shower early. But take it from me: you are not a negligent mom if you take ten minutes to shower once a day. Of course, once your baby starts crawling, you'll never shower again but that's a different column.)

My friend and I both agreed that we had NEVER read in any of the reference books that when you take a baby's temperature under the arm, you are supposed to add a degree. Actually, I was a little relieved that I am not the only mom whose child was almost ten-months-old before I found out about this. Plus, I wish someone had told me that when your children grow out of a size of diaper, which invariably happens just when you've stocked up for the winter –SIMPLY GO ON TO THE NEXT SIZE AND ON WITH YOUR LIFE. Don't try to use the remaining diapers in the now-too-small size before upgrading. This will cause you endless heartbreak and laundry and untold embarrassment. Trust me on this --save the smaller size for your next child or donate it to the local women's shelter but do not make yourself crazy.

See, I could be a CONTRIBUTOR to the newsletter. I've learned so much as a mother. But gosh, I have so many questions still! Like at what point when your almost-three-year-old child is ripping up one of her foam astronauts does she make the leap to thinking “You know, this might feel really good UP MY NOSE.”? See, if I had gotten that edition of the newsletter, I would have been so much better prepared when Ana announced "Mom, I have an astronaut up my nose" and perhaps I would have reacted with more dignity than the impulse to fall on the floor and laugh hysterically.

I feel certain the newsletter would cover topics like what to do when you brightly offer your child the choice of pizza or a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch and your child simply says “NO.”

I want to know how other mothers manage to keep all of the zillion parts of one toy in one place. And why it is when all I do all day is lift children (with or without the carrier seat) and go up and down the stairs, I still don't have any muscle tone. Why doesn't that count as exercise?

And when is it, exactly, that we should we start chapter books during story time?

This weekend, I thought I met the woman who WRITES the newsletter. She has six children and she is beautiful, organized and (here’s the key) serene. Clearly, she knew I was not on the distribution list because she kept slipping little helpful hints about raising kids into our conversation. For example, I mentioned that every morning, I did a little race to beat the Shirt Expiration Period (SEP) with Ana. You know the SEP –after it passes (never the same time two days running), Ana will simply tell me that it's “too late” to put on a shirt. My friend said, “And of course, you just let her go outside without a shirt, right? I've actually taken kids to school in their underwear. They didn't think I would. Of course, I never let them know that I had a bag of clothes waiting in the car…”

I pretended that's EXACTLY what I did. Instead of telling the truth, which is that I alternate between stalking Ana and pouncing to pull the shirt over her head, and giving up and canceling the errands for the morning. Anyway, I finally just asked her outright “You write the Secret Mommy Newsletter, don't you?” And she threw back her head and laughed! “No one writes THAT newsletter,“ she said. “No mother has time.” (I’m still a little suspicious, though.)

I think what should happen is that all the mothers out there who missed the sign-up should send me the one thing they wish they’d been told before they had kids and I'll publish it in a special edition of this column. We'll just write our OWN Newsletter, hah! That'll show those ...those... READERS. Maybe THEY were absent on the day we learned about SHARING!

But if you are actually on the mailing list for the Secret Mommy Newsletter, I'd appreciate it if you put in a good word for me. I was just absent on the sign-up day --it's not like I was on the list and got booted off for Practices Unbecoming to a Mother or anything. I am diligent, creative and a MUCH better driver than I was.

And in return, I promise to pass along the two-second rule to anyone going to take her driving test.

(This week's column is early and next week's column will be late since I am going to Indianapolis to visit my best friend and read all of her back issues of The Newsletter. Smiley Jane's first airplane ride--there should be a column in that alone!)

To subscribe or unsubscribe to this free e-mail newsletter, send e-mail to barb@sothethingis.com. (Your address will not be used for any other purpose.) If you would like to forward this column on, please do so in its entirety. Feedback welcome.

Barbara Cooper is the mother of Ana (almost three) and Jane (four months). She lives in Austin, Texas.