Manners are a Dying Art

So, the thing is... EXCUSE ME!

Recently, I took my girls to the library and we were confronted once again with the evidence that manners are going the way of the steam engine. I was carrying Jane and choosing new books for us while Ana did a puzzle at a small table. Suddenly, I felt a hand on my leg and there stood Ana. "She just TOOK my puzzle, Mom!" she said, pointing to a little girl about her same age who was standing at the table. I, thinking quickly (borne out of desperation to turn everything into some kind of lesson about sharing with her sister), said "Well, sweetie, maybe she wanted to SHARE it with you." Ana looked pretty distrustful but she had left her green necklace sitting by the puzzle and had to return for it. In a second, I heard her burst into tears. The little girl had grabbed Ana's necklace away from her and stood holding it. I took it gently away from her and returned it to Ana. I was particularly delighted to see that this child had a lovely green-snot encrusted nose which indicated some kind of contagious something. (And of course, now we're all sharing a summer cold but the subject of people who take their youngsters out with communicable illnesses is another whole rant.)

Anyway, I'm not so far gone that I expect a three-year-old to have perfect manners (although I think MY three-year-old really does have AMAZING manners.) But this little girl's mother was standing right there and did NOTHING to turn this small event into a teaching opportunity. When we left the children's books section, the little girl, with the help of a little boy, was dumping all the other children off of their chairs so she could stack the chairs in piles on the floor, effectively dismantling the reading room. The mothers did NOTHING. Nothing.

So, we made our way up to the check-out and standing in front of us was a mom and her son, who had no shirt on. He was about six and was climbing up the counter and HIS mother was just ignoring his behavior. Ana was so struck by this. "He has no SHIRT on," she kept announcing, thinking perhaps that no one had noticed. "And what’s he DOING?"

So, there I was, trying to figure out what to tell my daughter about the bad manners of others without slamming the shoddy parenting in evidence. And trying once again to tell her that just because other people have questionable manners, it's not okay for US to emulate them. I get so FRUSTRATED!!

At first I thought maybe this whole lack of manners phenomena was a product of all the new money in this town (well, at least until the recent dot.com bust!). There IS a sort of arrogance of entitlement --sort of an "I really DO own the road" kind of an attitude here. My husband says that when he drives to the local grocery store, people will simply back out of their parking spaces without looking. They know he's not going to ram them with his car. (Tempting, though. Very tempting.) So I had this whole theory that because the PARENTS think the world revolves around them, they are raising CHILDREN who think they are superior and above common courtesy. And I do think there's something to that theory but I also think the problem is more widespread than that.

My friend Linda, who lives in Indianapolis, tells me that what I'm seeing is prevalent across all socio-economic borders and across all state lines. "There’s a fair amount of diversity where we live," she wrote recently. "Not a lot of racial diversity, but quite a range of socio-economic diversity. And I find the lack of manners to be pervasive. I see it from the trailer park kids as well as the tract home kids and the custom home kids. (And their corresponding parents.) I don't know what the answer is."

The thing is, I notice the bad manners of others right now especially because they have a direct impact on how hard it is to reinforce GOOD manners in my kids. And that's the thing about teaching manners --it's a never-ending process. (I can remember my mother meeting me for lunch at some campus dive when I was in college and affixing the Icy Mother Stare on me when I pulled one foot up into my chair. "Is that how you sit when you go out to eat, Barbara?" she asked. I was 22 at the time.) For Ana, age three, it's non-stop all day long. Maybe that's really the root of the problem, actually. It takes amazing persistence and discipline to keep those of us who are concerned with instilling good manners in our children from letting something slide "just this once." And gosh, there are those nights when I lay in bed and wonder if I did anything else that day but chide my girls for some etiquette infraction. After all, it's just so much easier to roll one's eyes and give it the old "Toddlers. You can't live with 'em.” shrug. It's so much easier to be our children's FRIENDS rather than parents who must remain ever-vigilant for opportunities to teach the customs that keep our society humming along.

Okay, so our experience at the library is one small example and not exactly evidence of Death Of Life As We Know It. I am given to overreacting. But I hear the same thing again and again from my mommy friends: there seems to be this pervasive deterioration of manners and no one even seems to care. And none of us knows exactly what to do about it. Recently, I came across an article by Krista Ramsey, of the Cincinnati Enquirer, about the law enacted by the Louisiana legislature requiring school children to address teachers and other school personnel as "Ma'am" or "Sir" or other titles of respect. "At their best," says Ramsey, "Manners are the window-dressing of morals." I guess that's why I think this subject is so important --it's not manners for manners' sake. It's more that good manners convey a certain respect for other people, or at least an awareness that we live our lives AMONG other people.

Try this simple experiment: the next time you go out in public, say, to the grocery store, go out of your way to say "excuse me" as you pass someone in the aisle. Once in a rare while, you'll hear an "Oh, certainly." in return, but for the most part, you'll be met by silence. People simply don't know what to say in return. And if you are blocking the aisle and someone needs to get past you, you are more likely to have someone reach out and physically MOVE YOUR CART than to say "excuse me, please." It's truly mind-boggling.

And it's not the children, see --children, after all, mimic what is modeled for them. But while I might, gently but firmly, remind a small child of her manners as they affect MY child, I am loathe to take her parents to task. For one thing, I might say too much.

And that would be rude.

To subscribe or unsubscribe to this free e-mail newsletter, send e-mail to barb@sothethingis.com. (Your address will not be used for any other purpose.) If you would like to forward this column on, please do so in its entirety. Feedback welcome.

Barbara Cooper is the mother of Ana (3) and Jane (eight months). She lives in Austin, Texas and has a terrible summer cold.